TITLE – The Newsjack App – (Messages left on the voicemail)

1 –Times 24-2-12 page 23 – Hot Horses Shrank To The Size Of A Cat

1 Posh but eccentric voice. Elderly – Quite excitable.

“Hello I’ve just read a news article in the Times about horses shrinking due to global warming. Professor Bloch may seem worried, but I think it’s simply fantastic news. He says horses could shrink to the size of cats. How absolutely wonderful, We could have much smaller race tracks, you could probably see the whole track from one spot. We might even have indoor horse racing, imagine it. No risk of races being called off because of bad weather, or poor ground conditions. You may well laugh, saying What about the jockeys you say? - I’ve already thought about that. We could train macaques or small lemurs. I think this global warming thing might be a good thing after all, what?



2 – Hello... Hello. I’m ringing up about the new 10 O’clock Live show,and I couldn’t help but notice David Mitchells unshaven face. I mean, it’s not right is it, posh people like David shouldn’t be unshaven, it’s like having an Aston Martin with Austin Maestro badges on it. I also note that Charlie Brooker is another one who can’t be bothered to shave before appearing on television. I suppose next week Jimmy Carr will be thinking the same, then what happens? It’s all downhill from there isn’t it? That only leaves Lauren Laverne, I don’t think I could bear it if she started growing a beard.........click.



3 – Hello. I’m ringing to complain about a programme that’s started on Channel 4. Superfat Vs Superskinny. (voice in background – “It’s Supersize, not superfat dad.”) I wish they had explained clearly during the adverts that it was not a fight programme. I thought I was onto a dead cert when I placed my bet at Ladbrokes. So I feel that the controllers of Channel 4 programming owe me the £100 I placed on the fat (voice in background - “Dad. I don’t think you are allowed to call them fat.”) people. Either that or at least have a small segment of the programme where they do get to fight, as I am still convinced that I could be on to a winner. Thank you.




4 –Star 24-2-12 page 17 – Saucy Phones

Elderley gentleman on phone, with equally elderly woman (both very elderly, and slightly bewildered.)
4 – Hello is that Newsjack. I wanted to clear something up with my wife...
Don’t tell the whole world Eric, I’m telling you it’s not normal
It is Deirdre, I read it in the Star. My wife Dierdre, says that it’s not normal to have saucy pictures of your wife on your phone. But it clearly says in The Star that one in four Brits have either pictures or videos of their partners on their phones.
Yes but Eric, they are talking about mobile phones, and we don’t have a mobile phone, I’m sure normal people don’t have a naked picture of their wife sellotaped to their handset.
Hold on. I’ll call you back later.